chapter 9

Sandra woke up the next morning wishing she hadn't. She had the war dream again. She couldn't remember much, except staring at the brick wall as it shook. It seemed like it were trying it's hardest to withstand whatever blows were being thrown at it from the other side. She saw the commander who was bent over trying to stop another soldier from bleeding.

"What are we fighting for?" She remembered asking.

"Everything that we hold dear." The commander said without looking away from the patient.

Sandra considered the commander's answer as she sluggishly got up to get dressed. It was like her body was protesting against getting ready, as if her body knew what she were about to do. Sandra turned as she heard her door open a little more. It was Gwen. Sandra just stared at her, waiting for whatever Gwen was going to say.

"I just wanted to say," Gwen started, walking toward her. "I know I'm a major bitch a lot of the time, but I really think you're doing the right thing today, Sandra." Gwen rubbed Sandra's upper arm as she spoke. "I mean, one of us has to go to college right? Neither of us want to end up like Amber." Gwen smiled. She leaned in to give Sandra a hug. Sandra wrapped her arms around Gwen but didn't reciprocate the feelings. When Gwen pulled away, Sandra faked a smile.

"Well, time for me to get ready." She said in her sugary sweet voice as she turned to pull on her jeans.

The whole morning, all Sandra could think about was how to tell her mom that she wanted to keep the baby. She kept trying to say it but kept getting too nervous. Sandra's mom left the car in the driveway and they took the bus there. Too busy thinking of how to tell her mom what she wanted, she didn't pay attention to what bus they were on and what stop they got off at.

They walked into the clinic and as Sandra walked through the double doors, she felt her stomach turn instantly. This isn't where she wanted to be. Why couldn't she just say this out loud? What was she scared of? Instead of acting on her brain's command to tell her mom everything, she just sat down as her mom signed them in.

Sandra picked up a large journal looking book. As she opened it she realized it was a journal. A journal for girls that were here and how they felt. Sandra found herself so mesmerized, she read a few entries.

The first was a girl that couldn't wait to have the abortion. She felt that this baby was ruining her life. Being on the pill, she didn't think she'd get pregnant but apparently she was a part of that point one percent. Her parents never even knew she was pregnant and they'd probably never find out.

The next was a girl who was confused. She didn't really know what she wanted. Her mind kept going back and forth between getting up to leave and staying. Her boyfriend wanted the baby, but she wasn't sure either of them were ready for the responsibility. Then again, maybe it was fate that brought her this baby. Maybe she was meant to be thrown into motherhood. She decided to get up and leave.

Sandra began to flip through the stories of these women who were here for different reasons. Some were here because they didn't want a baby, or they didn't want to be stuck with their boyfriend, some didn't know why they were here, and some didn't even want to be here. Some women were even here because they cheated on their significant other. One story caught Sandra's eye.

It was someone who brought their niece. Their niece wanted to be here, but the aunt wanted to tell her story. When she was seventeen, she got pregnant. Her parents made her get an abortion. They promised her a lot of things if she got the abortion, and then when it was over, they pretended like they didn't know what she was talking about.

She recently turned forty. Sometimes, she still looks at her two grown children and thinks there should be three. It's enough to make her cry every once and a while. She tried to convince her niece not to do it, she offered to take the baby when it was born. Her niece didn't want to hear any of it. Sandra noticed a few wrinkles on the page. They looked like drops of water hit it. Sandra imagined the woman was crying as she wrote.

"What are you reading?" Sandra jumped as her mother spoke.

"It's like a journal for people who come through here." Sandra looked up at her mother.

She looked back at the book and bit her lip. It felt as if she were staring through the book rather than at it. The words began to blur. In her mind, she kept telling her mother that she wanted to leave, but for some reason the words wouldn't come out of her mouth. When her hands started shaking, she began biting her fingernails. Finally, she said it.

"What if I don't want to do it?" Sandra asked, her mouth feeling parched. She wouldn't look up at her mother, afraid of what her mother would say.

"Do what?" Her mother asked obliviously.

"This." Sandra almost whispered, finally looking at her mother.

Her mother was reading a magazine and didn't even look up before speaking.

"It's too late, we're here." Her mother said calmly as she turned a page.

"But you said if I didn't want to, I didn't have to." Sandra said, her voice shaking.

"Well it doesn't matter anymore. We signed in, we can't just leave now." Her mother looked at her for a moment but turned her gaze back toward the magazine.

Sandra's eyes began to feel wet, but she was determined not to cry. She stared at the book, flipping the pages as she pretended to read. Wanting to leave, she looked around the room searching for an exit. She stared at the red exit sign, thinking about her plan of escape.

The bus would be a good escape, the only problem was she couldn't remember where the bus stop was and she didn't know the schedule. Walking was a bad idea, she'd for sure get lost. Contrary to the illusion, there was no escape. She was stuck. Sandra picked the journal back up and began flipping through it to occupy her time.

"This one lady said she got an abortion when she didn't really want to and she still cries about it. It's been over twenty years and she still gets upset." Sandra tried to defend her position.

"Well, you're not going to be a baby like that lady, are you?" Her mother asked coldly. Her mother looked back at her for a few seconds before taking the journal out of her hands.

"You don't need to be reading this. This appointment is about you, not people who wrote things down in a stupid book." Her mother put the book on the far side of the table before putting her attention back on the magazine.

They didn't speak again for a long time. Sandra looked at the clock and realized it had only been thirty minutes since they got there. Her mother focused all her attention on the magazine, trying to ignore the fact that Sandra was upset. Sandra pulled her knees to her chest and rested her chin on top of them. She hid her face in her arms and started to cry. As quiet as she tried to be, her mother noticed.

"I know this is a hard thing to go through, but don't you think this is the best thing for everyone?" She asked her question softly.

"No." Sandra said without hesitation and without looking up. Her mother rubbed her back for a few seconds.

"Well, it is. Even if you don't believe it, it really is." Her mother said it toward Sandra, but sounded as if she were speaking more to herself than Sandra. Her mother stopped rubbing Sandra's back, unsure of what to do. Sandra sulked for the next fifteen minutes, still not looking at her mother, as the nurse called people in to speak with the counselor. Finally, the nurse called for them. Sandra walked into the counselor's office with her mother close behind.

"Please, have a seat." The counselor said as she sat behind her desk. "You both understand why you have to speak with me before going through with the procedure, correct?" She asked, putting on a pair of glasses. Before Sandra or her mother could answer, the woman continued.

"Basically, I'm here to make sure this is the decision the patient wants to make, not anyone else. For instance, the patient's mother." The counselor looked up at Sandra's mom briefly as she added her last sentence. "So, this is your decision, Sandra?"

"No." Sandra said, trying not to shake.

"She needs to do this!" Sandra's mother interrupted her.

"Mrs. Gallagher, this is about Sandra. Why do you want to keep the baby, Sandra?" She asked, paying full attention.

"I don't know exactly. I just know I don't want to get an abortion." Sandra said, avoiding eye contact.

"Well, what do you think of the father? Is he going to stick around and support your decision? Are there any plans of marriage?" The counselor asked, looking at a piece of paper as she wrote things down.

"I think he'll stick around, but no definite plans." Sandra began to speak, but she was cut off by her mother.

"She told me she doesn't know if he'll stick around. He probably won't. She doesn't even know how to be a mother. She told me she's scared and doesn't know what to do. She needs to get an abortion. She needs to go to college." Her mother was trying not to raise her voice too much.

"Did you tell your mother all of this, Sandra?" The counselor asked, lowering her glasses. Sandra realized her mother was doing what she did best, being charismatic and getting people on her side.

"Well, kind of." Sandra said, trying not to cry. "But that doesn't mean things haven't changed." Sandra said, trying to keep her voice steady.

"You need to do this Sandra!" Her mother said it sternly.

"Mrs. Gallagher, we aren't here to force anyone to have an abortion, so you both need to go back to the waiting room and discuss this. Let the nurse know when you are ready to come back in." She ushered the two of them out of the room.

As they sat there, Sandra wouldn't look at her mother. Feeling betrayed, she crossed her arms across her chest. She could feel her mother staring at her and in her head she kept screaming at her mother not to talk to her. How could she use what Sandra said against her? Sandra spoke to her mother in confidence, finally feeling as if her mother actually cared. She didn't. Her mother was just looking for ammo for this situation.

"Sandra, this is for your own good." Sandra ignored her. "Don't you think this is the best thing?" She asked again. Sandra said no in her head, but knew there was no use in saying it out loud.

The tears began rolling down Sandra's cheeks. Sandra was silent, although looking at her, anyone would almost feel her anguish. She wished Jimmy were here, then she wished Katie were here. Then, she really just wished she were anywhere but here.

"Sandra, don't you think this is the best thing?" Her mother asked a few minutes later, trying not to let Sandra ignore her.

Sandra looked at the clock. They had been here for about an hour and fifteen minutes. All they had accomplished was arguing. Sandra wondered how long it would take for her mother to give in and just bring her home. She kept imagining how it would happen, her mother would just magically understand what Sandra was feeling and support Sandra in keeping the baby. She knew it was far fetched, but couldn't help wishing.

Every few minutes, Sandra's mom would ask her the same question. It was like clockwork. Every time her mother asked, Sandra ignored her. As many times as her mother tried to justify why Sandra should do it, Sandra just ignored her. She thought of retorts and she thought of reasons why she shouldn't get the abortion, but she wouldn't give her mother anymore ammunition. After about thirty minutes of Sandra ignoring her mother, her mother began to get agitated.

"I just really don't understand why you don't want to get an abortion." She said, audibly upset.

"Because I don't believe in it!" Sandra snapped. "I don't believe in abortions. I feel like I'd be killing a person." Sandra cried even louder as she yelled at her mom.

Her mom backed down and stayed silent for a long while. She wouldn't look at Sandra as Sandra just sat next to her and cried. She didn't attempt to console Sandra in any way, she just picked up another magazine and began flipping through it. Sandra felt resentment toward her mother at that moment. She felt resentment toward anyone who made their own decisions. Sandra wished she were stronger willed.

Sandra's mother closed the magazine and looked at Sandra. She took a breath as if she were going to say something, but decided against it. After four times, Sandra got annoyed.

"What?" Sandra asked, without looking at her mother.

"I still think this is the best thing for you." Sandra's mother said, obviously determined to stay on the same road and pretend Sandra hadn't said anything. "Don't you?"

Sandra scoffed at her mother's ignorance. She couldn't believe her mother didn't care. Her mother was always talking about how beliefs are so important and to stick by them. Sandra guessed now was a different story because her beliefs went against her mother's.

Sandra didn't know exactly at what point her mother began to break her down. All she knew was that at about the three hour mark, she started to think that maybe she should just do it. She knew she didn't want to, but maybe her mother was right. She was sick of arguing, of sitting in this waiting room. Sandra was hungry and tired. Just wanting to go home, she gave up.

"Don't you think this is the best thing?" Her mother asked, sounding almost robotic.

"Yes." Sandra heard herself say it as her mind screamed at her to not do it.

"Okay." Her mother said with a smile, sounding surprised. "So, go in to the counselor and tell her it's your decision." Her mother urged her out of the chair, happily.

Sandra went in and told the counselor. The counselor looked at her skeptically, but led her to the operating room. She handed her the smock to put on after she got undressed. The doctor came in and had her sit on the table. Sandra flinched as she put her feet in the cold stirrups. The anesthesiologist came in. After both of the doctors spoke a lot about things Sandra didn't understand, they walked out as a nurse came in.

The nurse put a cold gel on Sandra's stomach and began to do an ultrasound. Sandra's eyes welled up as she heard what sounded like a heartbeat. She craned her neck trying to see the screen.

"Can I see?" Sandra asked, looking at the nurse.

The nurse smiled as she slowly turned the screen toward Sandra. Sandra looked at the screen and saw one spot pulsing. She felt speechless. The nurse pointed at the spot that was pulsing.

"You see that right there?" She asked. Before Sandra could respond, the doctor came in.

"That will be all." The doctor said coldly to the nurse.

"I was just," The nurse began to explain.

"I know what you were doing and I'll speak to you after this." The doctor said, waiting for the nurse to leave.

When the nurse left, the doctor sat in the chair. She turned the screen away from Sandra. Sandra's heart began to speed up as she began to wish she didn't give in to her mother. The anesthesiologist came in and hooked up her I.V.

"You'll start to feel really tired in a few minutes and then you'll just fall asleep." The anesthesiologist said with a smile as she adjusted something on the I.V.

The doctor watched the ultrasound for a few minutes, almost studying it. Sandra didn't like the doctor, she seemed very uncaring. Sandra began to find it difficult to keep her eyes open and her fingertips began to tingle. She wanted to change her mind. Resisting the urge to close her eyes she tried to tell the doctor that she didn't want to do it anymore. All she managed to do was say 'no'. The last thing Sandra heard before falling asleep was the doctor's voice.

"Just a little pinch." The doctor's voice faded at the same time as Sandra's vision.

As Sandra opened her eyes, she sat in the middle of rubble as the cloud of dust surrounding her settled. Pulling her knees to her face, she stared into the distance where there was once a wall separating her from her enemy. There were no sounds, no yelling, no scrambling around, just the wind as it danced in the newly open space. She stood up and peered into the distance, looking to see who her enemy was. They were no where in sight. Why had they left her here?

Sandra turned as she saw something move out of the corner of her eye. It was the commander. Sandra rushed over and dropped to her knees beside the woman. The commander's face was caked with blood and dirt.

"How did this happen?" Sandra asked, trying not to feel too emotional.

"We were betrayed." The commander said slowly and painfully.

Sandra blinked for less than a second and as she opened her eyes it was like she traveled backward through time. She stood in front of the brick wall with people rushing in every which way and felt lost and scared. She began to feel anxious and craned her neck urgently searching for the commander. Finally, Sandra spotted her. She sprinted in that direction, dodging people and various objects strewn about.

"Commander!" Sandra cried as she leaned over to catch her breath. The commander kept her back to Sandra without replying, even so, Sandra continued speaking.

"You're fighting a losing battle! If you don't surrender we will all die!" Sandra cried, hoping the commander was listening.

"Never give up, never surrender!" The commander shouted without turning around.

"You cannot win this war, do you hear me?" Sandra pleaded.

"I will die trying." The commander said passionately, as she helped someone up who had fallen.

Sandra was inches away from the commander. All of a sudden, she realized her hand was wrapped around something. She looked down and saw a dagger of some sort in her hand. Sandra knew what she had to do to survive. She grabbed the commander by the shoulder. Pulling her around, Sandra buried the knife into her stomach just as the wall began to crumble.

It seemed to Sandra as if it were happening in slow motion. Sandra looked up at the commander's face and gasped at what she saw. Sandra stepped back as she looked at a mirror image of herself, both their faces twisted with pain and confusion. Sandra let out a sob as she tripped over a fallen soldier. Both girls fell at the same time. The only difference was that one of them sat back up and stared where the wall once was. As she gazed at the fallen wall, she no longer wondered who her enemy was. It was nobody's fault but her own. She was, in every sense of it, her own worst enemy.

With no one to guide them, the troops scrambled around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off. Sandra pulled her knees up to her face and pushed them up against her eyes as she squeezed them closed. She knew this was a dream. It had to be. It had to be almost over.

"Wake up." Sandra whispered to herself.

"Wake up." She whimpered urgently.

"Wake up!" Sandra's eyes flew open as a large nurse tapped her leg. "It's time for you to go." The nurse said in a rather unsympathetic tone of voice.

Sandra sat up, shaking off the dizzy feeling the anesthesia left behind. The nurse brought her a large bag full of supplies. The nurse instructed Sandra on what to do with everything, but Sandra was barely listening. Wrapping her hand around the bag, Sandra just nodded her head. She got up out of the bed and slowly walked to the waiting room.