chapter 12

Sandra laid in bed with her hands behind her head. As she stared at the ceiling, she tried to clear her mind. She attempted to let the lyrics of the music she was listening to occupy her conscious thoughts. That part of her plan was working fine, the only thing she couldn't control was her subconscious thinking. No matter how hard she thought of the song on the radio, or how much she sang, she couldn't stop the thoughts she was trying to keep out.

After a few minutes, Sandra gave up trying to keep the thoughts out. She didn't have enough energy to control her thoughts anymore. It seemed as though the abortion was all she could think about. Sandra felt burdened by the responsibility of her actions. She almost didn't notice her door opening.

"Hey Sandra." Gwen said meekly as she crept inside the door.

"Hey." Sandra said as she turned her head to look at her younger sister.

"I was wondering how you're feeling." Gwen said, sitting on the edge of Sandra's bed.

"Did Mom send you?" Sandra asked, rolling her eyes.

"No," Gwen started, sounding confused. "I just want to know if you need anything."

"I'm fine." Sandra said, looking back at the ceiling.

"I don't believe you." Gwen replied.

"Why not? There's no reason for me not to be fine." Sandra retorted.

"You're acting like a ghost. All you've done since you got home yesterday is sleep and stare into space. Even when you're walking, it's like you're not really there, like you're mind is somewhere else." Gwen went on, started to sound anxious.

"Well, no need to worry. I just need some rest." Sandra said, rolling over onto her side, not feeling one bit tired.

"If you need anything, seriously, don't hesitate to ask me okay?" Gwen said softly, resting her hand and Sandra's shoulder.

"Got it." Sandra gave her sister a thumb's up before curling up and closing her eyes, as if she were going to go to sleep.

Gwen took a breath as if she were going to speak, but decided just to get up and leave. Sandra waited until she heard Gwen's footsteps fade down the hallway before resuming her previous position. Sandra didn't feel like talking about her feelings to anyone. Well, maybe there were two exceptions. The first exception was a million miles away, and the other probably wouldn't be able to handle the way Sandra was feeling, based on his reaction to the facts Sandra had already told him.

She considered calling Stacey. Although Stacey was one of the last people Sandra would like to confide her feelings to, she still wanted to apologize for the argument at lunch. Hopefully Stacey was over it by now. After letting out a yawn, Sandra decided to wait to call Stacey, maybe she would just track her down in school tomorrow.

It was almost dinner time and Sandra remembered she had a presentation due the next day for her English class. It was supposed to be a presentation on a belief or cause that was important to Sandra. She couldn't think of anything that was important to her anymore. When her mother came to the door to let Sandra know it was time for dinner, Sandra told her she had an important project due the next day.

"It will only take fifteen minutes to eat and you can get right back to work." Her mother pleaded.

"Yeah, I'd really rather just keep working." Sandra said not looking away from the computer.

"You need to eat." Her mother interjected.

"I'm not hungry." Sandra snapped. When her mother tried to respond, Sandra cut her off. "If I get hungry I'll make myself something to eat."

Sandra's mother let out a sigh of disapproval, but backed out of the room and closed the door. Sandra stared at the screen, trying to think of what was important to her. After about thirty minutes of racking her brain, Sandra realized what was important to her; the only person that never let her down. Her presentation would be on friendship.

It seemed as though the moment she decided on her overall theme, her mind was racing with ideas. Sandra typed feverishly in the Powerpoint program. She searched the internet for pertinent photos. It only took Sandra about a half an hour to complete twenty slides. She clicked through it, glancing over the slides.

It was a good presentation, in Sandra's opinion, but it was missing something. She couldn't figure it out. Finally, she minimized the program, hoping if she took her eyes off her work for a while it would come to her. She leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes. She focused on relaxing all the muscles in her body one by one. After she felt a little less stiff, she sat back up and opened her eyes.

As her vision focused on the computer screen, it came to her. There on her background was a picture of Sandra and Katie. That's what was missing; it wasn't personal enough. Sandra went through each slide adding pictures of herself and Katie and Imene. When she added a picture to the last slide, she let the slideshow play on its own. As each slide popped up, Sandra couldn't help but smile at the memories that went along with the photos.

She saved the presentation to a disc and put it in her bag. She checked her email. Her heart dropped a little as she realized there was no email from Katie. Sandra hoped that Katie wasn't that angry with her. Katie of all people should have been the one to understand her.

Sandra shutdown her laptop and collapsed back onto her pillow. She tried to hold back the emotions that were boiling inside her. If she lost Katie, she had nothing left. Sandra knew she was a wreck without her best friend, who was more like a sister to her than her own sisters.

Sandra laid in bed trying to imagine what Katie was doing. Maybe she was just too busy today to write back. Even as Sandra thought it, she knew it wasn't possible. Katie wouldn't have gone without responding, especially to something this big.

As Sandra's phone rang, her first thought was that it would be Katie. Looking at the caller I.D., Sandra's smile grew wider as she realized it was Jimmy.

"Hello?" Sandra answered the phone, her heart pounding.

"Sandra!" Jimmy exclaimed, seeming surprised that she answered. "How are you feeling?"

"Better now." Sandra said, still smiling.

"Can I see you tomorrow?" He asked hesitantly.

"It is a pretty long walk to school." Sandra hinted.

"I'll be there in the morning." Jimmy said, picking up the hint.

Sandra couldn't help but smile as she talked to Jimmy. Her heart finally got back to its natural rhythm, but she was still excited that Jimmy called. Even though she felt mostly happy, there was still moments that Sandra felt a wave of despair. It was usually when there was a pause in the conversation, but as soon as one of them started talking, it washed away.

Sandra laid in bed for over an hour talking to Jimmy. He had explained everything that happened at Vinny’s house and Sandra couldn’t help but laugh as she imagined Jimmy re-enacting the situation. Sandra told him about what had been going on with her, and even though it was not nearly as amusing as Jimmy’s last few days, he still listened intently.

“I just don’t know what to do about Stacey.” Sandra sighed. “It’s like everything I do upsets her more. I don’t even know how to talk to her anymore.”

“You really shouldn’t be put under this stress. You’ve already been through enough. Maybe you should just leave her alone until she comes to her senses.” Jimmy suggested.

Sandra knew this was a very reasonable approach to the situation. She knew it was what she should do; the problem was that she always wanted to do the opposite. Sandra didn’t want to go without talking to Stacey. They weren’t that close, but they were still friends.

“Maybe,” Sandra responded after a moment of silence. “Well, I’m actually pretty hungry. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Sandra asked hopefully as her stomach growled.

“Can’t wait.” Jimmy said. Sandra could hear the smile in his voice. She was so relieved that he had called. It felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Now she just needed to find out how to unravel all the other knots in her life.

Sandra hung up the phone and got out of bed with a smile. She was surprised she even could smile anymore. As she walked to her bedroom door, all she could think about was Jimmy’s voice. She couldn’t wait to see him tomorrow. It felt as though it had been months since they’d seen each other.

Sandra opened her door, oblivious to the world outside her head. She got to the top of the stairs and as she put her hand on the banister, she was almost tackled by someone rushing up the stairs.

“Sandra!” Katie almost screamed as she threw her arms around Sandra’s neck. “I begged my mom to leave as soon as I read your email!”

Sandra wrapped her arms around Katie’s waist. When they broke from their dramatic hug, Sandra laughed.

“You really didn’t have to come! It would only have been a few more days.” Sandra shook her head.

“No, I needed to be here as soon as possible! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me as soon as it happened!” Katie exclaimed as she followed Sandra down the stairs. “Where are we going?” Katie asked as they neared the bottom of the stairs.

“I’m hungry.” Sandra said, walking into the kitchen.