chapter 10

When her mother saw her, she stood up.

"Now that wasn't so bad, was it?" She asked with a smile as Sandra got close enough for her mother to put her arm around Sandra's shoulders.

Choking back the tears and anger that should have followed that question, Sandra simply smiled.

"No." She said without looking at her mother's face.

As they walked out the door, Sandra felt ambiguous about having her mother's arm around her shoulders. On the one hand, Sandra had always liked affection to be shown to her. On the other, she knew her mother was only trying to make up for forcing her to get an abortion.

"So, do you want to go out for lunch? We can have a girl's day out!" Her mother asked happily.

"No thanks." Sandra said, feeling numb.

"Well, you haven't gotten your nails done in a while. Let's go get manicures!" Her mom sounded slightly excited.

"I don't really feel like it." Sandra said, sounding very opposite of her mother's tone of voice.

Her mother took her arm off of Sandra as they got to the bus stop. She seemed very anxious. Even though her mother knew the schedule for the bus, she kept looking around to see if the bus was coming yet. Sandra sat on the bench, she felt weak and exhausted.

"Well, what do you want to do? Anything at all!" Her mother sat down next to her and was almost begging her.

"Anything?" Sandra asked, lifting her head up. "Anything at all?"

"Yes." Her mom said, smiling even wider.

"Then I want to go home and go to sleep." Sandra said looking up at her mother. She could see the pain in her mother's eyes at the icy tone of Sandra's voice. Part of her felt bad and wanted to apologize, a bigger part of her didn't care.

When she got home, Sandra went straight to her room. She collapsed onto the bed, burying her face in the pillow. She curled herself up into the fetal position and pulled the covers over herself. Then, for what she hoped would be last time, she cried. She almost screamed into her pillow, her body shook with her sobs. Being too exhausted to do anything else, she became quiet after a few moments. Tears rolled down her face until she fell asleep.

Sandra woke up to her mother shaking her shoulder. It took her a few seconds to realize where she was. She noticed right away that her pillow was still wet. All of a sudden, reality snapped back into place as Sandra sat up to see what her mother wanted. She looked at the clock to realize it was three o'clock.

"I made you some chicken noodle soup." Sandra's mother said, holding out a tray with a bowl of soup on it.

"I'm not hungry." Sandra tried to lie, but even her mother heard her stomach rumble.

"Oh," Her mother began speaking, seeming let down. "Well, I brought you your phone back. I figured that you don't have to be grounded for the rest of the week." Her mom handed Sandra her cellphone.

"Where has Katie been? I'm surprised that girl hasn't been knocking down the door trying to hang out with you." Her mother giggled as she stood up.

"Katie's in Puerto Rico with her mom." Sandra said, sounding monotone.

"Oh, well I hope she's having fun." Her mother smiled as she walked out.

Sandra turned on her phone. She knew who she wanted to call, but she didn't know what she wanted to say to him. He'd probably be happy, Sandra imagined. She dialed the numbers from memory and hit the call button. As she was waiting for him to answer, she cleared her throat.

"Sandra!" Jimmy said happily. "Can you meet me? There's a lot of stuff we need to talk about. I can't wait to see you." Jimmy was talking very quickly.

"I don't feel like going out today." Sandra said, trying not to be too upset.

"What's wrong? You sound sad." Jimmy said worried.

"Look Jimmy, I was really just calling to let you know that I got the abortion." Sandra blurted it out and waited for a response.

"You what?" Jimmy sounded dumbfounded. "But, I thought," Jimmy began to speak but became quiet. After a few seconds, Sandra heard a noise that unsettled her.

"Are you crying?" Sandra asked incredulously.

"No." Jimmy whimpered.

"Jimmy!" Sandra exclaimed, "Why are you crying?"

"I just didn't realize how badly I wanted you to keep the baby until this morning and you said your mom was taking you if you went. I drove by your house today and saw your mom's car so I thought you didn't do it and I got really excited." Jimmy blurted out.

Sandra could tell he was crying. She didn't know what to feel. All she knew at this moment was that she wasn't the only person who wanted this baby, she was never alone in this battle. Feeling as if her world were crumbling, she felt like she were having a panic attack.

"You mean, you wanted the baby?" Sandra asked, feeling as if all the blood had drained from her face.

"Yes, but I didn't want to make you keep it." Jimmy sniffled.

"Jimmy, I have to go. I'll call you later." Sandra hung up the phone without waiting for a response. She felt sick and she felt disgusted in herself. At this moment, Sandra truly wished she could just disappear. She threw herself back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling.

It felt like Sandra had been laying there for only 15 minutes, but when she turned her head and looked at the clock, it was an hour later. She didn't feel like moving. Trying to hold her tears back, she kept silently asking herself 'why?'. There was no answer she could give herself that would make her feel better. In her eyes, no reason was good enough for taking another life, especially one so fragile and vulnerable.

She tried to push those thoughts out of her head. Sandra was determined not to cry again. Leaving her mind blank, she closed her eyes and tried to go back to sleep. Too bad she wasn't tired anymore. Keeping her eyes closed, she tried to think of the future, of who she'd be. She imagined herself in college at first, but realized she only ever wanted to go to college to please her parents. All of a sudden, she was sick of pleasing her parents.

Sandra's eyes flew open as her bedroom door opened. It was her father. He stared at her for a few seconds before speaking.

"Dinner's ready." He said quietly.

"I'm not hungry." Sandra mumbled.

"Then just come sit with us, please." Her father closed the door before she could respond. Sandra took a deep breath and exhaled sharply as she threw the covers off herself. She slowly walked downstairs and sat at the bare table.

'Well, aren't you going to set the table?" Her father asked sounding agitated.

Without a word, Sandra stood up and got dishes and utensils to set the table. After putting cups out, she put a pile of napkins in the middle of the table.

The four of them sat down to eat as Sandra's mother put a roasted chicken and vegetables in the middle of the table beside the napkins. Everyone proceeded to take their serving of food, except for Sandra; her mother fixed her plate. They ate in silence for some time before anyone spoke. Sandra's father grabbed a napkin from the middle of the table and shot a look at Sandra.

"You know, you could have put the napkins beside the plates." He spoke as he wiped his face.

Sandra didn't answer, she just stared at the food her mother piled on her plate. She poked a piece of chicken with her fork. As hungry as she was, she didn't feel like eating. As her eyes were focused on her plate, her mind was focused elsewhere. She thought back to when things in her house were different.

It was the end of Sandra's first day of high school. She had gotten into the honors classes. She could remember barreling through the door, excited to tell everyone the news. The first person she saw was Amber. It was Amber's first day of her last year in high school. She had already gotten home and made herself a sandwich. Amber smiled as Sandra let the door slam behind her.

"Why are you so excited?" Amber asked curiously.

"I got honors classes!" Sandra squealed.

"Wow, impressive." Amber said before taking a bite of her sandwich as their parents walked in.

"What's going on?" Sandra's father asked with and inquisitive smile.

"Sandra got honors classes." Amber said, less excitedly than Sandra would have said it.

"And look!" Sandra cried, fishing through her bag. She pulled out an expensive graphing calculator. "They gave everyone in the math class a calculator!"

Sandra's father laughed as he walked over to her. He put his arm around her shoulder and looked at Sandra's mother.

"I never thought I'd have a daughter that would be so happy about a calculator."

Sandra was brought back to the present when she heard her mother gathering the dishes. That memory was just over three years ago, but it felt as if it were a different era. Everything had changed. It wasn't very long after that when Amber told her parents she was pregnant, dropping out of school, and moving out.

"You really should eat, Sandra." Her mother said as she picked up the last empty dish. Sandra was the only person left at the table, her dishes sat alone.

"I really don't feel well." Sandra mumbled as she got up from the table and walked to her room.

She got her laptop from her parents' room as she made her way to her own. With the laptop sitting on her bedside table, Sandra sat facing it with her legs crossed beneath her. She opened her email account. There was another email from Katie.

Sandra,
Things are going good here! I've attached some pictures, so you can stop hounding me about it! I can't wait to get home and hang out with you. If you were with me, I could stay here forever! It's so awesome! We are definitely going to have to plan a trip here someday.
Anyway, there isn't really anything new going on. My mom decided today would be a girl's day. We're going out to lunch and then laying out on the beach. We may go shopping and go to dinner together later too.
Speaking of mothers, how did things go when you told your mom? Was she mad? I'd be surprised if they didn't kick you out! You need to tell me all the drama!

Kisses,
Katie

Sandra let out half a smile as she read the first half. She was happy Katie was having such a great time. Her heart dropped as soon as she read the last paragraph. Sandra didn't know how to tell her that she didn't stick with her word. She wasn't scared that Katie would be mad, she knew that Katie always supported her decisions one hundred percent. Sandra felt ashamed of what she'd done, she really didn't want to tell anyone. Not knowing what to write back, Sandra closed the laptop and turned on her music. She closed her eyes as tight as possible and pretended that she was floating away.

She was so concentrated on trying to keep her mind clear that she didn't hear a knock at the front door or urgent footsteps on the stairs. She jumped and had to catch her breath when she heard someone pounding on her bedroom door. Without waiting for Sandra to answer, they opened the door and burst in. It was Imene.

"Are you okay?" Imene asked, sounding out of breath.

"I guess." Sandra tried to fake a smile, but her eyes began to well up again.

Imene jumped onto the bed next to her and wrapped her arms around Sandra's shoulders. After a minute of Sandra trying to hold her tears back, she gave up and leaned into Imene's arms.

"I was so stupid. I thought she actually cared." Sandra sniffled, referring to her mom.

"Of course she cares!" Imene pulled Sandra's hair out of her face.

"Then how could she make me do this? She practically strapped me down on the bed." Sandra became more upset as she spoke.

"I'm sure she did what she thought was best for you, because she cares." Imene replied.

Sandra didn't say anything, she didn't care if her mother thought it was the best thing. She didn't care if her mother's intentions were to do what was best for Sandra or even if her mother did it because she loves Sandra. Sandra knew these were all probably true statements; but the facts were that her mother didn't even listen to her, her mother didn't care what she had to say, how she felt, or what she believed, and in Sandra's mind, that was a good enough reason to be angry.

Imene pulled away and grabbed a tissue box from Sandra's night stand. Sandra pulled a tissue out of the box as she took a deep breath. After wiping her eyes, she crumpled the tissue in her hands. Staring at her hands, which were resting in her lap, Sandra let out a small laugh.

"I'm sorry for that." Sandra said, smiling briefly at Imene.

"Don't be sorry!" Imene rubbed Sandra's shoulder in an effort to console her. After a brief, somewhat awkward silence, Imene reached over the side of the bed and pulled her school bag onto the bed.

"Now that you seem a little more calm, would you like me to give you the assignments for today?" Imene asked, placing her hand on the zipper of her bag, awaiting Sandra's response.

"Sure." Sandra repositioned herself.

She hoped doing homework would take her mind off everything she couldn't stop thinking about. As Imene went on to explain the days lessons on derivatives and the hyperbole, Sandra felt comforted. The thoughts that had been racing through her mind nonstop all day did not cease, but the voices seemed a little softer as she listened to Imene. After Sandra and Imene finished their homework, Imene began to get ready to leave.

"You sure you're going to be alright tonight?" Imene asked, sincerely concerned.

"Yes, I'm actually very tired now." Sandra smiled gratefully. "Thanks for coming over." Sandra said, giving Imene a hug.

"You better call me if you need anything!" Imene threatened as she walked out the bedroom door.