chapter 4

That day in work, Jimmy seemed sluggish. He dropped tools more than usual. Every so often, he'd just stand there, leaning over a car staring at the engine as if he were trying to see through it. He didn't take a lunch break and he worked well after his shift was over. Vinny kept trying to make him smile by telling him jokes or telling him about some of the girls he'd dated in the past. Nothing worked. All day he walked around with a blank, emotionless, almost hollow look on his face. Vinny even heard some customers whispering; asking if he'd recently suffered a loss. When a customer actually asked Vinny, he just said "Something like that."

Sandra couldn't concentrate all day in school. She felt like there was a fog surrounding her head. Her thoughts were scrambled. Imene kept trying to figure out what was wrong.

"Why won't you tell me?" Imene whispered, sounding desperate.

"Because there's nothing wrong." Sandra replied, faking a smile.

Imene leaned back in her chair and listened to Mr. Glarvin's lesson for a few moments.

"You know," She started, leaning toward Sandra. "This is a two hour long class and it's only twenty minutes into it. Not to mention our desks are pushed together, so I barely even have to reach to bug you all morning." She said, threatening Sandra.

"I really don't care." Sandra said, staring at her desk. In her head she added on to her statement, 'about anything anymore'.

Imene began her torture. Every time Sandra leaned over to write, Imene moved her paper. Sandra couldn't help but let a small laugh escape each time.

"Stop." Sandra said, trying to keep a straight face.

"Alright." Imene said, mockingly.

She then began poking her, knowing Sandra was extremely ticklish. Sandra jumped and tried to stop herself from laughing too loudly. She accidentally let the beginning of a shriek slip out before slapping her hand over her mouth. Mr. Glarvin turned and narrowed his eyes at the girls. They both tried not to smile as they began writing in their notebooks again.

After a few moments, Sandra ripped a piece of paper out of her notebook.

"I got into a fight with my boyfriend last night." She scribbled sloppily on the paper and slid it to the edge of her desk. Imene reached over and without taking her eyes off of Mr. Glarvin, pulled the paper slowly to the middle of her desk. She looked down to read it and immediately began writing. It seemed like only a few seconds went by before she slid it back to the middle of the two desks. Sandra slowly reached over and pulled it to her as she read the note.

“About the baby?”

She looked over at Imene and saw that she was looking at her. Sandra nodded her head as her eyes welled up. Imene reached over and put her hand over Sandra’s trying to console her. Sandra pulled her hand away as she began writing again.

“I woke him up in the middle of the night expecting him to solve my problems and then when he couldn’t, I flipped out on him and called him worthless. So he told me to get the abortion.” Her hand began shaking as she wrote. She slid it back over to Imene.

“Are you going to do it?” Imene wrote back.

Sandra simply shrugged her shoulders. She wiped a tear that began to fall from her eye. They both jumped when Mr. Glarvin called on them.

“Do you know the answer Sandra?” He asked, sounding agitated. When she didn’t answer he looked to Imene. “What about you?” When she didn’t answer he put the cover back on his dry erase marker. “I thought you wouldn’t know. You both have been barely paying attention all class. Since you can’t seem to pay attention to me, maybe you’ll find the principal more entertaining.” He waited until they picked up their bags and got up from their seats to resume his lesson.

“Any other distractions?” The girls heard him say as the door swung closed.

They sat beside each other in the chairs outside of the principal’s office. Imene looked over at Sandra.

“So, why don’t you just call him?” Imene asked.

“I feel like an idiot now. I completely flipped out on him for no reason. He deserves someone that will treat him better. Not someone who cracks at the slightest bit of pressure. Plus, what if I just gave him his chance to say what he really wanted? What if he doesn’t want the baby and I’m just making him feel some moral obligation to me?” She responded, almost talking to herself.

“It’s something you’ll never know unless you talk to him.” Imene said, brushing Sandra’s hair off her shoulder.

The assistant principal, Ms. Pelosi, came to the door.

“The principal is busy right now, so I will be taking care of you girls. Come with me, Sandra.” She said as she turned around and began to walk back into her office. Sandra got up and followed her. Ms. Pelosi motioned for her to stand in front of her desk. She sat behind her desk and pressed her forefinger and thumb against the bridge of her nose, before leaning forward onto the desk.

“I’ve got to be honest; I really don’t understand what’s going on here.” She began, shaking her head at Sandra. “For the past three years you’ve been here, not a peep, it was really looking like you were going to be valedictorian. Now, all of a sudden, you’re getting kicked out of class for bad behavior. I just received this month’s reports from all the teachers. You’re slipping, Sandra. It’s not even a full month into your senior year and already some teachers are worried that you may not pass.” Sandra inadvertently tuned her out.

She began thinking of Jimmy.

Did she love him? She didn’t know what love was, so how could she answer that? She couldn’t even give a clear answer on why she wanted to be with him. As far as she could tell, the only thing she was clinging to was the fact that he was the only one of any of her previous boyfriends who treated her with so much respect. She knew from the moment he asked her on their first date, no one would ever love her the way he would. He always considered Sandra before doing anything. He has always treated her far better than she ever had treated him or even could treat him. She knew she was unable to fully let anyone into a heart that had been broken so many times. There were always going to be holes in there, and Jimmy was always going to be falling through and finding his way back.

It wasn’t fair. He deserved someone who would love him as much as he loved them. He deserved to be made happy, not to be the one who was always trying to make someone else happy. Especially not someone who it seemed was only happy when things were going wrong. As much as she wanted to be with Jimmy she knew it was too selfish of her. She wanted to be with him because he loved her, not because she loved him. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? You’re supposed to be with somebody because you feel like your whole world would come tumbling down without them there, feeling like the moon and the stars shine brighter just because he’s walking next to you. Why couldn’t she feel that for him? Her thoughts were interrupted by Ms. Pelosi.

“Do you understand what I’m telling you, young lady?” She asked, looking over her bifocals at her.

“Yes, Ma’am” Sandra said, hoping she wasn’t asked anything specific.

“Alright, well you can wait outside my office until the bell rings and continue to your next class. I don’t want to see you in here again.” She said, getting up and following her to the door.

As they got to the door, Ms. Pelosi called Imene in and immediately turned around to go back to her desk. As Imene was walking toward Sandra she gave her a look as if to say, “What happened?” Sandra simply shook her head thinking, “You’ll know soon enough.”

When school was over, Sandra’s mom was waiting for her outside. She honked the horn as Sandra got to the bottom of the stairs, just in case she didn’t see her. Sandra saw her and hoped it would be a very quick ride home. As soon as she sat down and closed the door, she knew it wouldn’t be quick at all.

“How was class?” Her mom asked stiffly.

“It was alright,” Sandra said, feeling as though there were a huge pink elephant in the car with them. After a few moments of silence her mother spoke again.

“So, when we get home you can call a clinic.” She said, staring straight forward at the road.

Sandra didn’t know how to respond. She wanted to turn on the radio, but was much to scared to move.

“I decided I want to keep it.” Sandra said, hoping her mom would be willing to listen.

“When did you decide this?” Her mom asked, her voice sounding a tiny bit higher than usual.

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot since I found out, and I guess I came to the decision today.” Sandra started feeling as though maybe her mother would listen. She knew she was wrong when her mother didn’t speak again until they got to the apartment. They pulled up outside the apartment and her mom got out and slammed the car door shut. She walked inside the house without even looking back to see if Sandra was behind her. Sandra walked in to hear her mother telling her father what was said in the car.

Her father looked at her as if she had just told him something ridiculous.

“What do you mean you want to keep it?” He scoffed.

“What else could it mean?” She asked him, her heart felt as if it were going to beat out of her chest.

“What about college? You have scholarships just waiting for you and you’re willing to just pass them by?” He asked, narrowing his eyes.

“I can do both.” Sandra said quietly.

“No,” He shook his head. “That’s out of the question. Go call a clinic and make an appointment. Now.” He said with finality before walking into the living room.

Sandra went upstairs and sat on her bed. She stared at the cordless phone that was sitting on her bedside table. She knew what she wanted to do and now it seemed that it wasn’t her choice anymore. She started to cry. She tried not to make a sound because she knew if her father heard her it would only make him angrier. He had always seen crying as a sign of weakness. Her mom came in a few minutes later and sat beside her. She began rubbing her back, trying to console her.

“Don’t you want to go to school and get a good education?” She asked. When Sandra didn’t answer her, she tried another route. “Do you love this guy? Is he going to stick around?” Her mom asked, sounding as if she cared.

“I don’t know.” Sandra whimpered. She just wanted her mom to leave. She knew her mom was only trying to convince her to do what they wanted her to do.

“How about this,” Her mom started. She stopped rubbing Sandra’s back, but kept her hand there. “Just make an appointment now, and when the time comes, if you don’t want to do it you don’t have to. This way, if you decide you want to, it won’t be too late.”

Sandra considered it for a moment. It sounded like a very reasonable request.

“Okay,” She said, reaching for the phone. She wiped the last of the tears from her face as the clinic picked up the phone.

When she hung up the phone, part of her felt relieved; relieved that she had done something. Whether it was for or against what she really wanted was irrelevant. She had taken some type of action. The other part of her regretted pushing the buttons on the phone and wanted to strangle the part of her that let her do it. Her mom stood up and hugged her tightly.

“I know you’ll do the right thing, Sandra!” Her mom said with a smile as she walked out of the room. Sandra wasn’t so sure about that statement. Sandra sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her feet up onto the bed. She was sitting indian style, holding onto her ankles. She sat like that just staring forward. She sat in a daze until her phone went off. It was a text message from Katie.

"So are you going to tell me what's going on, or are you just going to ignore me all day?"

Sandra let a small smile form on her lips as she responded.

"Can you come over?"

Within five minutes Sandra heard a knock at her door and a breathless Katie barged in. She collapsed on the bed and looked up at Sandra.

"Tell me... Everything!" Katie said between gasps.